


The John Egbert Survival Guide

by historiCthrenody (Cookieluv246)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: EVERYTHING IN THIS IS FANDOM RELATED, Funny, M/M, Meta, Parody, lol, this is such shit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-14
Updated: 2020-02-17
Packaged: 2021-02-28 02:55:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22706548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cookieluv246/pseuds/historiCthrenody
Summary: Do you often find yourselves, at times, the butt of the joke that is your life? Do you always find yourself getting into really inappropriate situations, when all you wanted was something to drink! Or to take a piss? Are you tired, of always being harassed by literally everybody, and everyone trying to mack on your hot bod? Are you ready to take direction of your life?Well then you're in luck! I'm going to take you down the road of dirty secrets the based universe god's don't want you to know.
Relationships: Dad Egbert/John Egbert, Dave's Bro | Beta Dirk Strider/John Egbert, John Egbert & Everyone, John Egbert/Dave Strider, John Egbert/Dirk Strider, John Egbert/Gamzee Makara, John Egbert/Jade Harley, John Egbert/Jake English, John Egbert/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 3
Kudos: 48





	1. Welcome to the hamsteak fandom: Dave, Bro, Dirk

Do you often find yourself, at times, the butt of the joke that is your life? Do you always find yourself getting into really inappropriate situations, when all you wanted was something to drink! Or to take a piss? Are you tired, of always being harassed by literally everybody, and everyone trying to mack on your hot bod? Are you ready to take direction of your life? 

Well then you're in luck! I'm going to take you down the road of dirty secrets the based universe god's don't want you to know. This may break you're young feeble mind, but once you understand your purpose, once you understand the innerworkings of the paradox you live in, only then, will you be able to harness control over the situation.

First things first, your name is John Egbert, and you are probably currently residing in someone's messed up fanfiction.

I know, it's all very shocking, and kind of scary to think about. Certain questions are probably popping up in your mind right now, most likely stupid, stupid, dumb ones, because your name is John Egbert, and you are a Zoosmell Pooplord

So after getting over that existential crisis, first things first, we need to find out the rating to your fanfiction!

But wait, how could you find something like that out? This is your life after all, not a means of weird entertainment.

Ha ha ha ha.

Oh how naive you are.

Well, the first way to figure out your rating, is to try and do something inappropriate. Cursing won't do much, because everyone curses in Homestuck, and are only rated as such by only the most faintest of hearts. So how do we find out what we're dealing with? Try and look up some hardcore porn, and do stuff with it. What. Don't look at me like that. This is for science! Do you want to figure out how to escape your fate or not? If ye could escape yer fate, would ye? Yeah, ok, that's what I thought.

So, if you start noticing, that your surroundings fade to black, or you seem to zone out whenever you try and type in something naughty? Good news! You're almost safe. This fic is probably rated G or something along those lines, so the chances of you getting buttfucked are substantially lessened...to a degree.

Anyway, but for the rest of you, the majority of you, who are probably able to get on without barely hitch.

I have some bad news for you.

This is most definitely a porno. Or somebody's going to die.

Or both.

Actually, someone could easily die with almost any rating, but the details become much more grotesque, the higher the rating.

But most of the time it's just porn.

So you find yourself, within a porno. Well, this doesn't fair well. You're not ready to have sex! Or, even if you've thought about it, you don't have a girlfriend or anything like that! What are you supposed to do?

Well, the second thing to figure out, is how old you are. Go look into a mirror or something, and rate your cute factor. That's right you heard me, this is important. How would you describe yourself? Could you pose straight out of a Boku no Pico poster? Or have you been graced by the wookie gods, and have the hairest chest and legs to ever live? Or are you rather non descript? The more beautiful you look, the bigger chance that you're going to be taking it, so you better pray to the ugly gods. 

Well, if you're rating high on the cute factor, then sorry buckaroo, but you are going to get bucked...aroo'd. Probably by Bro, or someone equally older. Maybe if you're lucky, this will be a rare Mom/John fic, and you'll have the milf action of a lifetime. Though your chances of getting fucked by your dad are way higher than getting fucked by Rose's mom. Sorry. 

Don't make that face at me, we're just barely scratching the surface! 

Now, if you find yourself rather undescript, or even manly, well I have some good news and some bad news.

If you're non descriptly attractive, there is a slight chance that you might have actually been paired off with a girl. Your best bets are Rose or Vriska, congrats!

Or your sister. Or cousin, depending on this au.

...Yeah. Well, once you've gotten that figured out. Regardless of whatever attractive rating you find yourself, there is one constant that you need to assume is true, regardless of whether it pans out or not. 

Dave want's your nuts.

Dave want's your nuts, so bad. 

Dave has been pandering for your nuts since like kindergarten, but has been too shy to say anything. And you're shocked! Because, wow, no, Dave's your best friend!! He doesn't want your meat stick. Wrong again fuckboy, it is a universal constant, that Dave has been craving those mcnuggies since the very first convo, and I have over two thousand fics to fucking prove it. So shut your dumb face, but rejoice. 

Because Dave is generally a chill motherfucker, a sleeper if you will. He is hardly a threat. If he's waited 13+ years to get to your nuts, he can wait 13+ more. He's resigned to never getting with you, so he is not a threat.

There are threats though lurking beyond these murky waters.

One of them lives in his apartment.

If this isn't a college au, and you're still at home, Bro is probably the biggest threat to your buttginity yet. Even a fic dominated by Dave brohomo lust can easily turn into Stacy's mom territory, at any wrong move. 

So how do you stay clear of that guy?

Well, first things first. Dave just messaged you! He's offering you tickets to go see him in Texas, this could be the chance of a lifetime to see your bestfriend in the flesh with your very own eyes! You guys can have the most bro of all slumber parties, and totally get hungover off of terrible takeout and junk food. What could possibly go wrong?

Everything. 

Decline it.

Why?

Because nothing good comes from anybody who leaves the house.

If you want to keep your butt in check, DO NOT GO VISIT DAVE.

But wait! You've already made the mistake, you find yourself in DAVE'S ROOM, not your own. Is it too late for you?

Well, son. You are in deep shit, but there could still be hope for you yet, if you heed my advice.

 **Tip #1** STAY CLOSE TO DAVE. FOLLOW DAVE LIKE A HAWK. DO NOT LOSE SIGHT OF DAVE. DO NOT PISS WITHOUT DAVE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DOOR. Dave is your friend, Dave is love, Dave is life. Regardless if he wants your baby juice, he is still your best bet to salvation, because he does not want you getting with Bro any more than you do. And he has way better self control apparently. 

**Tip #2** DO NOT LEAVE TO GET A GLASS OF WATER/MILK/JUICE. NOTHING. You are at your most vulnerable, when Dave is asleep, it's the middle of the night, you can barely see, and there he stalks you like prey. Fresh meat. Fresh pounded meat. I do NOT CARE, IF YOUR MOUTH IS DRYER THAN THE SAHARA DESERT, YOUNG MAN. IT IS A EUPHEMISM WITHIN A EUPHEMISM, DO NOT BE THE THIRSTY YOUNG LAD, YOU WILL PAY DEARLY.

 **Tip #3** DO NOT GO FOR A PISS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. Wait. Wait for Dave. Dave is your savior in these forsaken times. Think ahead of time, by grabbing a water bottle from the kitchen or something while it was daylight, and Dave was around, and piss in there or something. Then you can save it for some gross pranks, and your butt will be spared in the process. Killing two birds with one stone, now you're thinking!

 **Tip #4** dOn't do dRUGS?? You'd think this one would be a pretty obvious one, but there are so many fics that prove this to be contrary. Please don't do drugs with any Strider, you need your mental clarity. You need all of it for this.

So after all of this, phew! You've seen not even a hair of that creepy Bro Strider guy. Nothing can go wrong now right? 

Well...

Shit! It seems like Dave has to go back to school/go to camp/he's ditching you champ. He's barely going to be home. Wow, the world is really conspiring against you right now, huh? I'm kinda impressed at how desperate these people are for this-huh? You're not impressed at all? You're about to pirouette off the fucking handle? Wow, someone's a drama queen.

Good news for you, there's still one way to salvage this situation. Ok, you ready Johnny? Here it goes:

Never leave Dave's room. Think about it, how many times in your life have you noticed that your dad never goes into your room? The Homestuck guardians never barge into the kids rooms, bruh. Even in fics, I've never seen a Bro barge into Dave's room. What, is this getting too meta for you? Well, whatever. Once again, Dave is your shining knight of salvation. You should really thank that kid when this is all over. Seriously. 

Phew! That was a tough one, huh? You're almost out of the clearing. Now you just have to avoid any and all contact with literally anybody and everybody till it all fades to black and you'll be in the clear! What, you thought Bro was your only threat? Honey, you've got a big storm coming. It is true, that Bro is your biggest, and one of your most aggressive threats, but he's such an obvious choice that it's easy enough to loopity loop your way out of his grasps. But what if one of your threats was rare enough to barely come up on the meter, and sneaky enough to take you by surprise?

What if Bro 2.0? Code name: Dirk Strider. See, if this is an au where he exists alongside Bro and Dave then you're fucked cause half of those prior tips don't apply to him. Like him not being able to go in Dave's room for instance. Well if worse comes to worst, you can always beat him up, but you'll probably lose. Sorry, I don't make the rules.

So how do you escape his psychopathic anime throes?

You kill yourself.

Dammit, that's all I got, that's all I got.

Skip to future chapters for a more involved guide, but I strongly suggest finagling yourself into being less of a beauty pageant winner you shota scallywag!

Anyway, hopefully this abbreviated guide will help you in your endeavors of keeping your butt echledadder never climbed.

Next Chapter, we visit you and Karkat, because if this fandom goes crazy over _hammertime_ , than you KNOW it's friendleader hour next......

Cheers to all a John Egbert, and to all a good night!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this all once in a skype group chat and never looked back. i'll update each chapter with a different pairing, you're fucking welcome


	2. How to survive: Karkat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter, we talk about how to avoid Karkat Vantas. Buttfucker supreme.

So you’re back, huh? 

What. Coming to me with your tail between your legs.

Ok, what is it this time?

Let me guess.

You gayed someone.

That’s right I know what I just said.

You, John Egbert, made someone fall in love with you, and you need my help once again!

Oh come on, it’s not a big deal. We’re in the twenty-first century, nobody expects you to 

What? You’re still straight.

Honey, I’ve seen circles less curved in this famine strucken war of a society.

How do you just gay someone so hard you gayed too fast boy, you gayed too spiffy.

Ok, ok, so from what I’m getting at. You think someone has a crush on you.

A big homo lust crush, that you THOUGHT was over with, but it turns out it’s happening AGAIN.

So who could the beloved homosapien be?

Oh?

A fucking troll.

Way to make my pun not work.

Anyway, it’s clearly Karkat, because the last time you touched somebody I saved your hide already.

Dave has a forever crush on you, but let me talk to you about Karkat.

And the vivid danger of sharing a fic with him.

Out of every ship in this God damn heaping pile of shit fandom, the Johnkat fandom is the most wild.

Dude, you could have a horse dick right now, and I wouldn’t bat an eye.

Are you in a coyote fic? A mermaid fic? A fucking spiritual celestia wonderfest as shamu buttfucks you softly?

John, do you know the mere *perimeter* of shit that Karkat gets you involved with just for breathing his same air.

This sounds poetic somehow, in a fair characterization of the character in question’s moral capacity.

But we’re not dealing with fair, we’re dealing with a smidgen of 2/10 in quality.

Karkat Fuckass wants to fuck your fucking hide, so the first question is to test how bad is it.

Does he come on to you?

Generally, Karkat’s not a quiet seeker in any world. But he SHOULD be quiet about his homo lusts for you except that would NEVER happen.

What I’m actually asking is, is he fat?

If he’s fat, he’s docile.

If he’s skinny and toned, he’s coming faster than an ed sheeran lyric fucking in an elevator.

You don’t know how GOOD it is for Karkat to have a  _ soft  _ spot for you…

What? Bad pun?

Maybe if he were more well  _ rounded _ , he’d be an easier prey to _ squeeze _ ?

I’m a fucking gold mine, and you’re shunning me.

Whatever, the point is.

You have to figure out if he’s fat and waiting or skinny and on the prowl.

Those leather pants will upright a bulge yet.

Ok, so now that that’s out of the way. How often, does he say fuckass? I tend to find when it’s sparce, he’s actually after Dave, but when it’s near and dear, he’s ranged into John Egbert Homo zone.

In fact, this line of thinking is so boring, I want to count all the times I’ve said homo and burn myself.

Your love life dusts my eyes dry.

So what are some tips with actually dealing with our blood feigned hero?

Well for starters, you should actually _ play _ with him.

It’s a bad idea in the sense that you lead him on a bit, but a good one in the fact that you might catch him off guard. If you take it as a distraction tactic, you can run the other way. Douse him with a bucket of water( wAIT NOT A BUCKET. f;/ckk) and scream to the himalayas as you run for your dear sweet life.

Ask some of his friends about it. Like Sollux. If you ask one of his friends about ways to let the man off easy, than you know your prey easier! Plus, it’ll get the message to Karkat that you like him as just a friend, and not really anything else. They might vouch for you, and let the man off more gently than you could.

You could lie and say you already have a girlfriend already. That doesn’t ALWAYS stop Karkat’s that are aggressive, but hey, the story works about as good as any other. At least you have someone else on your team if you get someone like Jade or something to pose with you.

I mean, you can always be honest…….though...they could laugh in your face too and tease ship you as a double counter with the author in question.

Yeah……….fanfiction’s really bad, about letting our feelings spill into our writing.

God this world is trash.

So wait? You accidentally already have a first date with him?

What, did he tie you to a chair?

Was it kinky?

Dude, ok so tips for getting out of Karkat’s grasp once he won one battle.

Uh...ruin it? Ask someone to pose as your bodyguard and have them put things in the way, like spill their drink on him, or put lego’s on the floor, or pose as your waiter.

Look the general gist I’m giving you is to have friends other than Karkat that can ruin his day.

Plus, you get the abhorrent joy of seeing him get angry and angsty in real time.

Come on, that has to tickle you pink.

Wait his dick is already in your butt?

Yeah, kid I got nothing for you. I got nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you'd like to see i future chapters, and some of your favorite traits of fandom. I'll add them to the story. follow me on tumblr, eeeeyy


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